i feel so stupid sometimes. SO STUPID. i could be crying, hurting, caring, guessing and contemplating and things could be completely different from what i suspect they would be. for all i know, he's probably married someone. run off with some nice considerate obedient mind-reading girl. someone who would make life perfect and fuss-free. and i'm still sitting here waiting for an answer which is perhaps painfully clear to everyone but me. "hello? isn't it OBVIOUS? he's met someone else, DUH!!!" (which i've heard in moderate versions more times than i can count).

easter island stonehead: you're dum dum give me my gum gum.

sigh. who am i kidding? why am i still holding on? what is trust? what is faith? those things are starting to mean nothing. and i don't like to admit it because it sounds like such an easy way out, to simply give up because you don't see any results...(well, on second thought it sounds like the intelligent way out). i mean, most sane and smart people do because isn't it common sense that when investment does not yield gain, you cut yourself loose asap to avoid further losses? as unconventional as i can be sometimes, am i really left with no choice but to follow this simple popular law?

i've really begged to differ, i have. trust and faith have molded together to form this huge rock weighing me down, and i can't escape it. i've asked to be let go, but all i get is silence. dead deafening silence. it's as if the light is still there at the end of the tunnel, but my legs have been amputated and i can't move. i want my legs back.

i've been called many things and lately all i hear is "brave." perhaps behind every "brave" follows an unsaid "stupid" that is probably well-deserved too. how much longer should i stay stupid? has the time almost come to cut my losses? is there still anything left to hold onto? am i alone in this game?

什麼都不知道...呆子咪...笨啊, 笨死了...自己掌嘴兩下.