Written on plane from HKG to TPE, Sunday February 4, 2007

I realized today that we'd been with each other through much of our actual adult life. We've grown up together, gone through changes together, weathered through much in majority of our 20s together. Perhaps this is time for us to grow apart, as in, grow separately. Maybe we've held onto each other for dear life so tightly, we've both been missing out on some other important things in life. There are parts of growing up that should be done alone.

I've always known this, I just never thought it'd be so painstakingly hard when actually given the chance. The past months have been filled with emptiness, loss, memories because I don't know how it all happened. It took me by surprise. So I've sought strength in family, friends, things that helped me understand myself, and look for what I want. I've come to understand myself a lot more, him a lot more, our relationship a lot more, and what our blindspots may have been with regard to the future. Annie said sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith, instead of questioning and assuming so much. Deal with it when we come to it. That is a very heartfelt sentiment now. You can't ask for everything to be black and white all the time; grey is a beautiful color too.

This trip has offered me a chance for these reflections. I feel blessed and thankful. I feel despite being out of a job, I've gained so much on an emotional and spiritual level that allows me to be a more complete person. There is still a big hole in my heart that I'm trying very hard everyday to fill, but it's back to that old saying I've loved so much from my senior yearbook write-up 10 years ago (thus giving away age): "eyes on the doughnut, not on the hole." My doughnut is growing bigger. Smaller is the hole.