relapse. allow me, this one time.

i'm not going to pretend i'm okay and happy all the time, because i'm not. i still wake up dazed and crying from time to time. i get paranoid and overthink and drive myself crazy, from time to time. i sink into moments of melancholy when people around me are over their heads in joy, and wonder all the time how this all happened like a slap in the face and you have no idea who hit you.

and i think about a lot of "what ifs," a lot of "what would have beens." but those are useless other than the slight moment of acknowledgement and regret that you could have done things differently, then you store it away in your head and remind yourself that next time, you'll know better.

then you kind of just have to kick yourself and put things down and get on with it. stop coming up with conspiracy theories or dramatic plots. stop thinking you're the designated victim of a well-constructed abandonment. but all of us get these moments, don't we? where it's just easier and more comfortable to soak in self-pity, so other people take on all the blame. it's human weakness.

but silence is so cruel. it hurts so much, and cuts so deep. silence sets me in stone, makes every step forward so difficult because i get dragged back to the same place. i don't hate, or resent. i try hard to understand. but i don't know where i am, and i'm given nothing to work with. like a blind girl in the middle of a busy crossroad, my way out could be anywhere, but no one shows me where to go.

i hate myself for being this way. for being stuck in faith and can't escape. for not letting go without an answer. for trusting too much. for loving. for not being able to hate.