As true stories abound about pets who save their owners' lives in critical medical emergencies, I've always been a keen experimenter of this phenomenon, mainly on my own dogs. Basically, we play dead. Or, I play dead so they would try and save me. As time goes by and they age, thus supposedly wiser and more intuitive to human needs, I've come to expect more heroic and newsworthy actions on their parts. And they've always--unfailingly--failed me. First my golden retriever was in a critical medical emergency himself, and died. Then I shifted my hopes to a smaller-brained beagle (see pic above blog title), who is in nature alert and responsive.

We've played this many times, and this is what always happens:

Me: Play with dog. Jump up and down. Make excitable noises. Throw ball and chase (I chase, not dog).
Dog: Run around in blind hysteria.
Me: Sudden stop in movement. Straighten body and fall to ground. Take one desperate gasp for air. Pass out.
Dog: Shock. Pause. Approach and sniff to see if still breathing.
Me: Hold breath.
Dog: Continue to sniff and detect no breathing. Process fact. Sit down and attach body part to owner. Usually butt to head. Look around.
Me: Steal one breath then continue to hold. Incredulous at fact dog butt is on own head.
Dog: Get bored and sniff again for breathing. If no breathing detected, take nap lying next to owner.
Me: Realize situation has turned weird and self looks ridiculous. Take big breath before suffocation.
Dog: Get up, walk away, find new place to nap.

Moral of story: Do not hold excessive expectations for your pets. Do pay attention to health, and other potential hazardous objects in house that might result in critical medical emergencies. Do not believe everything they tell you on television. Do develop other meaningful hobbies.