what a bi-aaaatch

i'm all-too-often faced with this, the deal with being a bicultural bi-passport-holder with mild bipolar tendencies (this is where one might crack a joke so might as well get it out of the way. no, i'm not bisexual. not yet). this is normally ok until i have to make decisions, which has become too frequent lately. my bi-ness makes the decision-making process difficult because i have two of everything--values, priorities, personalities, locations, sets of goals--which results in an internal tug-of-war that makes things a lot more strenuous and exhausting.

geography is the great divide of other intangible factors. life in asia is most of the time exciting and injects a shot of energy into my system. drive and ambition are so blatant they're almost visible, leading to competition that induces excellence. life back on this end of the world is stable and tranquil, introducing little change but reassuring of security, and one appreciates the simple happiness life offers. this difference thus brings drastically different lifestyles reflecting respective values and priorities. many of my friends have had to make a choice, and at our age, have chosen the former. however lately there has been a wave of re-immigration, children of dualities coming back to the west after a stint in their eastern motherlands, trying to find their place in the world.

then for me, there is also the need to mix things up a little, including a change in pace, tasks, scenery, even the company i keep. i sometimes long for glamour, pretty crowds, grand and worldly fancies. this bugs me a little, and i sometimes wish i were more stable and less flighty, more able to settle down. and there are times when i want to hide and be alone for very long periods of time, such is what i've been doing in my room since i've been back. during this time i become disturbingly awkward socially, and have a hard time meeting new people and avoid conversation if possible. this surprises me, too.

i don't think i am alone in this, however. in fact, i believe that i display traits that are clearly categorized under the personality type ENFP. one thing i've been doing in my self-imposed solitary confinement is really looking into myself (thus personality tests) and also at my current state of mind, combined with a constant review of my tarot lesson this year, which is temperance. temperance dictates that one must maintain balance and find a middle ground for opposing forces, creating a synthesis and compromise to foster a healthier disposition. it is comforting to know this and gives me justification for the excessive thinking and weighing i've been doing (ie, this is my lesson this year anyway!), and i feel very constructive towards that goal.

i guess this bi-everything sucks sometimes, but it is also who i am and what i have to work with. i know that when i figure it all out, it's going to be very good. so in the meantime, i'm just going to hide in my room. or not.