random

i dropped the food and travel writing course on friday, because you only get refund if you withdraw 48 hours (excluding weekend) before the start of the second class. i didn't really figure out the reasons for wanting to drop it until later, and there are a few. but mainly i decided the class wasn't for me at this point. it was a more professional oriented course--seeking to be published, writing query letters, and learning general rules of the trade. this is all very useful information, but i knew instantly it wasn't what i wanted. i'm at a place where i just want to write--a lot, and a lot better.

and i think to a certain extent, it was the people. at first i thought i'd fit right in because it's a group of 20+ travelers who have collectively seen majority of the world. i figured people would have more in common (which we did in some ways) and therefore more to talk about. however there was this huge sense of detachment and independence in people, and everyone was quite focused on themselves. i can see why this is so. travel, after all, is an experience that forces you to look internally when your external environments are no longer familiar, and it shapes you a bit differently every time. you become a bit closed off when you travel too much, this is the downside. the lone traveler may not be lonely, but certainly alone.

i catch myself like that sometimes, closed off and generally observing. it wasn't like this when i was younger, but more so these days. maybe this is why many in asia consider me to be inapproachable and standoffish when we first meet, or "with attitude." haha. but really, i'm not like that, and i am much more open here and now, only moderately altered. perhaps that's why i wasn't comfortable in that class. i do long for new friends, just need to figure out where they are.

i guess in the meantime, i miss my old ones badly. many ask why i stay up so late, but the truth is i stay up and talk to people who understand and, as it seems, they're mostly on the other side of the world (minus a couple on the east coast). even though i really should be an expert at handling loneliness by now, i must say it's not always easy. i actually feel quite relived to finally write that. not too bad, actually.