when i talked to ni on the phone today, it suddenly dawned upon me that i do want someone to share things with, and someone to help me settle down a bit. it's so surprising not because i feel that way, but because i'm able to say it now. perhaps i've been so fixated on the whole independent woman image, that i've neglected how i really feel inside. again, head fighting with heart. it really doesn't get me anywhere.

but i'm not sure what coming to terms with it will do for me. it's not like someone will just magically appear to make all my problems go away, because that's really my job. i wonder if it's like what it says in "the secret." once you start thinking positively, things will come to you. les says she plays the dvd as background music (or noise) so the concept can become firmly ingrained in her mind. perhaps i should write excerpts from the book on my arms as a reminder, see if that works.

anyhow, i thought that was a groundbreaking moment for myself. admitting one's own weakness, shortcomings and, for me, needs, is not the easiest thing in the world. i do agree with many that i've been floating around, but now i'm narrowing things down and probing the core of the issues. or perhaps it's simply a sign of aging, a pressing need to grasp reality. whichever it is, it's progress, and that can't be a bad thing, yeah?