i've always believed that if you can't be happy in life, which is what most people say when you ask them what they want, then at least you should try and experience as much as possible during your time here on earth. i don't mean just risky (jumping off anything), risque (say, um, orgy), or plain gross (eating worms). for me, it's about going off the mainstream sometimes, being a bit daring but not dangerous, or going through some minor life events that make for excellent cocktail/beer stories. when i was in high school i always wondered what it would be like to perform garbage duty. then wonder of all wonders, i skip ONE english class and got sent for garbage duty, one week before graduation (one boy actually took pictures to document the rare sight). or, at UBC, i justified flunking geography 101 with my uncle's argument that one has not truly completed post-secondary education without flunking at least one course. alright, stupid young things like that.

so yesterday i was fired. from the job that saved me from misery and forlornness (in keeping with experiencing everything once, this is the first time i've used this word EVER). that it was long expected, even desired, does not take away the fact that i was fired, a record that in most cases marks negativity or imperfection. i do let this bother me a little despite immediate celebration with friends and beer, and worry. what will people say? what will potential employers think? what if i never find work again????

in the end, i decide to stay true and i feel complete freedom. and in some weird twisted way, i almost feel it's cool to be able to tell people that i was once fired from a job, especially after i worked so hard and eventually realize it is not what i want. it's liberating and empowering, this knowledge. as i discussed with a friend over msn today, it's fun to choose by elimination. you have to experience it first. it's called living, even if it's not always neat or pretty, or perfect.


ten minutes ago in the tub, i read this in elizabeth gilbert's "eat pray love" (my spiritual food at the moment)--

"the bhagavad gita--that ancient indian yogic text--says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. so now i have started living my own life. imperfect and clumsy as it may look, it is resembling me now, thoroughly."

reading these lines made me jump out of water, not-so-fully dry but fully dress myself, so i can finally write down this realization and acknowledgment of how i've been feeling in the last 30 hours. she said it exactly right.