2010, complete and content

needless to say, my efforts to keep this blog going have semi-failed, for my last entry was dated nearly half a year ago. many have said, "you haven't updated your blog..." which i reply with "yes i know i really should," or "yeah things just have been....good," when what it is is just general laziness and an insufficient intake of alcohol, reducing further the chance for a good piece of writing. and now, just in keeping with tradition, so that i don't begin an entry in the new year that feels out of place with the last one, i'm going to talk about year 2010, on a night when i've lost my voice and thoughts collect quietly in my head.

in august 2009, i was entrusted with a ginormous task--keeping a website alive and if possible, founding a new project that would break new grounds. i began this undertaking full of enthusiasm and the belief that i could do it. i pushed and pulled, drew up plans, set up meetings, linked up ideas. i was met with some personal satisfaction, but most of the time, i was helpless and frustrated. i realized i did not (yet, i maintain) have what it took and more importantly, i could not do it alone.

at the beginning of this year, it began to sank in. i spent the first 3 months in struggle, waking up from bad dreams and experiencing bouts of self-doubt. by april i was worn out. i had to admit to myself and another person that i couldn't pull it off, and i was no longer willing to bear this responsibility. he understood, told me it was okay, that it's time i moved on, and we'd still be happy.

then in early june as i was having my toesnails painted blue, a serendipitous phone call came through and i half-heartedly agreed to an interview. as it turned out, it changed my life. at age 31, i took on a job for a reason normally deemed inappropriate for person at this stage in life--"it sounds fun." i was not thinking prospects, i was not thinking springboard, i was not thinking money. i didn't really think. when the job descriptions were laid out for me, delivered through rings of cigarette smoke, i knew i couldn't pass up on a job that relates to publishing, entertainment, brand building, and film, because it sums me up.

in the past 6 months, i have helped publish 2 books, reviewed a screenplay, studied web trends, helped design shoes, visited numerous cities, and organized events that drew thousands of people. for the first time i feel truly comfortable not only in my work environment, but also in the role i played. it was ok that 5 things happened at once, it was ok that i worked alone, it was ok to be different (=creative). it's really a great feeling to be able to say "i love my job."

when i began this blog 4 years ago , i was a lost person not only because i'd lost an important person in my life, but more severely, as i later realized, because i did not know who i was and what i wanted to do, a fact highlighted by the absence of that person. i spent 2 years learning about and accepting myself, and another 2 years re-learning about love. this year, with a deeper understanding of who i am and a stronger grasp on what constitutes a loving relationship, i found the one missing element that had made me vulnerable in the very beginning, a satisfying, rewarding career, a sense of self-achievement.

i know that the road ahead is long and it is premature to make conclusions of any kind. but i think it's safe to say that i now stand on solid ground ready to march forward, with a heart full of thanks, a heart content.




and in 2011, i will write more =)